The Fifth Space – The Floating Circle
I have been nervous about publishing this. Part of me thought no one would care and part of me thought is this even interesting or important?
I have been struggling with identity since I was a little girl. My heritage is that of a South Asian Indian Woman who grew up in an affluent town outside of New York City in the 80’s and 90’s. I was born in New York City and lived in New York City until about 5. I did not have any Indian friends. And my parents having immigrated here in the late 60’s spoke to me in English – to be American. Through the early part of the 80’s my parents brought their siblings here. Things were different. There were more Indian schools, churches, and my cousins grew up with a circle of Indian friends.
I had friends in the small town that I grew up in. Good friends. People who have been life long friends. But growing up, I always felt a little different, not really fully understanding why. I was never bullied and never lacked for a social life, but just felt different. Honestly it wasn’t until I found my theatre friends that, that subsided a bit. It’s like this as much as I felt included – I hated the first day of school – with a passion. I grew up in the same town and pretty much went to school with everyone since the age of 6. And I remember being in High School when on the first day my teacher would mispronounce my name and the whole class would echo together and say it correctly. And then to have to go through that 6-8 periods a day. Sweet, right? Yes, but again it would trigger this identity crisis.
If you imagine 4 circles on a piece of paper. The upper left one being my Indian Culture and the one on the lower left being further removed from that culture – so imagine a ball bouncing back and forth. Then imagine the circle on the upper right one being American Culture and the one underneath on the lower right being further removed from it and this ball bouncing back and forth between the two. Now imagine a ball rotating between all four of these balls. I seemed to always feel sort of a like a Fifth Space in the center constantly bouncing back and forth between all these balls and all these corners that I get stuck in the middle and that Fifth Space that I refer to as the Floating Circle is always moving and bouncing and has lead me to an identity crisis several times in my life. And recent events have again brought me to that Fifth Space; in trying to help and participate in conversations and learn and listen and do better and own up to overcorrections that need to be made, the trauma of not feeling like I fully belong anywhere has, at times, pushed me over the edge and exhausted me.
And I know many people have been dealing with far worse for many, many more years. But I am just sharing how I feel and another perspective that others may experience and feel as well.
I am not sure why I chose now to write this and I understand that many of the conversations happening are not about me and that’s ok. I have certainly been advantaged because of privileges I’ve been afforded – I recognize that. And I recognize the inequities that perpetuate unfair systems that are put in place. But I also want to acknowledge that not everything is so black and white and that this Fifth space can be very gray for some.
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