Spring is just around the corner...

It's been a tough winter for everyone in the New York area. And for some, lots of snow and the cold equals a lot of time to think…things that we might otherwise put aside creep up into our thoughts...until Spring arrives. 

And this has been on my mind.  

I’ve been thinking a lot about grief. Mostly because February 23^rd marks ten years since my late husband passed away. He was a friend, a colleague, an uncle, a son, a brother, and so much more. 

And it happened suddenly. 

Obviously the regular grief stuff is hard.  

Trauma. Shock. Sadness. And the desire to move on.

I often wondered, why did this happen? What was the purpose? And what am I supposed to learn from this?

But I didn’t always think that way though.

And I cried.    A lot.     

I wanted to “be over it” and anyone who has dealt with grief knows you are never really over it, but you learn to accept the experience as part of who you are, in due time. 

Then there was the “Why did this happen to me?” “What is so wrong with me that it had to happen?"

I can not lie, but I spent the bulk of my 30’s feeling like I was not worth much and that is why the blessings that most people have as a right of passage in life, namely marriage and children, was not given to me.

And healing is a process. 

I read a lot of self help books. 

And literally had to emotionally pick myself up and count my blessings out loud and have faith. Faith in Hope – that these things just happen in life and that I was blessed with so much. 

Then slowly I started to see signs in the universe.

I focused on my strength rather than my weakness, my smiles rather than my tears, and my passions rather than my pitfalls and with the support of many loved ones in my life (my blessings) and the laughter of many children and students who I have had the pleasure of knowing, finally I can say I feel lucky to have had an experience that forever will impact who I am.

And out of the darkness I slowly emerged, and started to see the light. It took a lot of patience, time and strength. 

And as one of the toughest winters the NYC area has seen in a long time comes to an end, I finally see the light, that spring is just around the corner.   

 

I wake up in the morning

I look up to the sky

I wonder why he took you

Before I said good-bye

I look up to the stars at night

And hope you're looking down

Hope to think you're proud of me

Although I’m stumbling down

I thought of you with love today

But that is nothing new

I thought about you yesterday

And days before that too

I think of you in silence

I sometimes speak your name

I think of memories everyday

And it fades away the pain

Your memory is my keepsake

With which I’ll never part

The Heavens have your soul

And you live in my heart 

10 anos depois ... sempre em nossos corações